Good Bill Hunting

I can summarize the upcoming Patriots season with the following Good Will Hunting quotes:

"Do you like apples? Well I got her number, how do you like them apples?"
-To Bill Belichick, who proved (again) last year that he is indeed the best coach in football, and is not just a product of Tom Brady's talent or Randy Moss's athleticism. He took the M*A*S*H unit that was the '08 Pats to 11 wins and missed a playoff spot on the 19th tiebreaker.

"I teach this shit, I didn't say I know how to do it."
-To Joey Galloway, who has had infinite promise without much success. He now figures to work with Brandon Tate and try to give him a taste of the ups and downs of the NFL. Godspeed.

"And why does he hang out with those retarded gorillas, as you called them? Because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It's called loyalty."
-To Dante Scarnecchia, the 61 year old offensive line coach who's been with the Patriots since 1982 (except for a brief 2 year stint from 1989-1990). Widely considered the best OL coach in the business, Scarnecchia is also the team's assistant head coach, and one of BB's must trusted confidants.

"I knew you before you were a mathematical god, when you were pimple-faced and homesick and didn't know what side of the bed to piss on."
-To Eric Mangini, who I pray we face in the playoffs just so we can send him home crying again. It's going to be unfortunate not seeing Bill give him the cold shoulder twice a year, so here's to being a Browns supporter for the regular season. Go Manginas.

"Look, if you're gonna jerk off, why don't you do it at home with a moist towel?"
-To Laurence Maroney, who has one more year with the team to prove he's not a bust. You just KNOW BB told him that quote, as the Pats have a surplus of backs, and don't need a fragile bitch in the backfield. Step yo' game up Kool-Aid.

"If you were gonna fight them, why didn't you fight them back there? We got snacks now."
To the Superfans in the parking lots. Let's keep it civil this year. Gorging ourselves on brats, dogs, chops, and Spatens is much more important than fighting over a bootleg game of beer pong. That means you, everyone that went to the Broncos Monday nighter last year.

"If you're still living here, coming over to my house, watching the Patriots games, working construction, I'll fucking kill you. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll fucking kill you."
-To Benjamin Watson, who I'd trade for a ham sandwich in a heartbeat. I'm already committed to watching Butterfingers Ben for 19 more games, who is the fly in the ointment that is being a Patriots fan. I sincerely hope some chump GM offers a 7th rounder for him at the end of the season, because I will not be able to handle watching him fumble down the field to the tune of Yackety Sax for another season. My prediction for his season: 24 catches, 357 yards, 2 TDs, 13 drops, 8 3rd down routes run short of the sticks.

"Morgan, I'm not going to Kelly's just because you like the takeout girl. It's fifteen minutes out of our way."
-To Terry Glenn, who stopped his Ferrari in the middle of Route 1 after a game in the Pete Carroll era to get a sausage from one of the vendors. Not relevant at all, but I like the story.

"You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
-To Fred Taylor, one of the best backs in league history never to win a ring. His imperfection is durability, the Patriots' imperfection is not having a great running offense. But with limitied carries in meaningful spots, could they be perfect for each other?

"Now, no more shenanigans, no more tomfoolery, no more ballyhoo."
-To Robert Kraft, who really needs to stop jacking up ticket, parking, and merch prices just to fund his giant strip mall around the Razor. I know you know we'll pay it, but show some mercy, please. I have to walk 1.5 miles and pay fitty to get a good tailgate spot off campus, because you've put up one too many Christmas Tree Shops next to the stadium. Man up.

"Here's your fucking double burger."
-To Vince Wilfork, who's officially a blimp. Please dominate this year, so you can get huge money from the Lions or Rams, and never be heard from again, a la Damien Woody/Deion Branch/Eugene Wilson/David Givens. However, I will miss your patented eye-pokes when the refs aren't looking.

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there."
-To Tom Brady, who brought us three quick rings, and since then has thrown two big picks against the Broncos and Colts, played mediocre against the New Jersey Giants, and tore all his CLs last year. I'm not talking about 50 scores in 07, because that wasn't the playoffs. Please return to Brady 1.0, the playoff hero, I don't like the beta version. Go back to Bridget if that's what it takes.