Friday, June 12, 2009

"No wonder you're extinct" of the Week: The Moa




The Moa is an extinct, flightless bird from New Zealand. It was about 12 feet tall, 510 lbs, and laid 9 inch tall eggs. I guess you could say it was like a large ostrich, except the ostrich is fairly athletic and somewhat comical. The Moa was just a stupid, dopey waste of feathers whose only purpose in life was to be eaten by the Haast's Eagle, a 3 ft. tall 25 lb. bird that pretty much ran shit in New Zealand and who's only prey was the Moa. The Haast's Eagle controlled the airspace of the island and when it got hungry just swooped down and bullied the Moa until it fell over and surrendered itself. When humans discovered New Zealand in 1400 A.D. it was not long after that they saw these dumbass birds scattered all over the island. They began hunting the Moa  and within 100 years were driven to extinction, taking the Haast's Eagle with them.

Way to go Moa. All you had to do was survive another couple hundred years and we would be able to farm you for your plentiful meat and your enormous eggs. Not only did you blow it for your own species, but you screwed over the Haast's Eagle too, possibly the most badass bird of all time. You F'd up big Moa. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I'm glad you're extinct and I hope you never come back.


Thanks to Studley Do-Right for this piece.

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